Moles...public enemy #1 July 29, 2015 06:50 1 Comment

Struggle #2 Moles

Fun Facts about Moles
• Moles have curved front paws and claws that dig like shovels. They build long tunnels and underground homes.
• Moles can dig up to 18 feet in one hour.
• Moles have a good sense of smell, but they don’t see very well. In fact, their eyes are hard to find because they’re very small and covered in fur.
• Moles don’t hibernate. They work all year round to catch food.
• These little animals paralyze worms and insects with poison in their saliva. Then they store the insects in an underground room to eat later.

(Information NOT obtained from my science teacher brain, but rather from the challenging and respected scientific “journelesque” website:


Caption: Is he barfing the worm or eating it?
Note: Moles eat earth worms, earth worms are great for soil, ergo moles are bad.

Do you really want to read about Moles? Sigh. I didn’t think so, but I’m not going to let that stop me. I feel it would be good to unburden my soul and this blog is the un-lucky recipient of said burden. Lets just say that the ugly little suckers (there is a reason that God arranged a subterranean habitat for them) have an admirable ability to inspire ordinary civilized men to revert back to some tribal instinct for conquest and blood. Maybe you’ve seen this transformation happen to your husband or another man in your life. It’s truly astounding, and it can be quite entertaining.

My main problem with them (moles not men) is the way they tunnel under my lavender plants and create massive air pockets right around their little roots. It was so perplexing at first to see row after row of beautiful healthy plants, and then one or two completely dead ones for no apparent reason. I realized that if you reach around the bottom of the lavender plant and check the soil your hand will sink into a big hole just under the surface. The poor plant starves for nutrients. You might think it is an easy solution, and that I can just go around to 1,600 plants and check if the soil is loose and pack it in again. If you think that, then you have never counted to 1,600. ARGHHHHHH (my angst tends to reveal itself pirate style).

Remember my resolve to love even the smallest critters? Well…lets just say that moles present a particular challenge for me. Wasps present this challenge for me too. I hate the way people confuse wasps with honeybees. It’s like mistaking Angelina Jolie for Benito Mussolini. Drives me crazy. Did you know that a wasp will attack a honey bee and literally fight a wrestling match to the death? I’ve seen them do it. I have been known to intervene on honeybee’s behalf by separating them with a twig and scaring the wasp off. This is the main reason I could never be an observational biologist. I could never sit back and watch a killer whale “play” with its sea lion food. Gulp. Wow. That was a serious tangent I just took; I blame it on the moles. As a matter of fact, I think I am going to start blaming all of my problems on moles. They are the perfect scapegoat.

Back to Moles:

I have been brainstorming ways to humanely get rid of them. The best idea I’ve come up with so far is to develop a giant magnet that is attracted only to the DNA sequence particular to moles, dig a big hole, insert the “magnet,” suck them all up out of their dark buggy worlds, and ship them off to another planet (in another solar system). Let me know if you come up with a better plan.

The End.

I have no inspirational quote regarding moles.